Monday, June 2, 2008

Battle Royale


IMDB: Battle Royale
  • OVERALL: 90
  • VISUAL: 91
  • STORY: 90
  • ACTING: 88
  • BETTER THAN: The Condemned
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: The Great Escape
  • WAS MISSING: You are dead, please drive through... The humor was brilliant in the first half, absent in the second. An English dubbed version would have been funny to watch for a second viewing just to see how poorly the dialogue may have matched up.
  • SEE IT FOR: Over-the-top action. Friends turning on friends. If you are a fan of prison stories or movies about dangerous games and high stakes, this is the perfect movie for you!

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford



IMDB: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
  • OVERALL: 85
  • VISUAL: 75
  • STORY: 92
  • ACTING: 89
  • BETTER THAN: Wyatt Earp
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: Tombstone
  • WAS MISSING: "I'm yer Huckleberry."
  • SEE IT FOR: The What-a-burger-ish commercial voice over guy telling a very slow tale that is worth it if you like character development.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Stardust

There are some graphic novels and comic books that translate well to the big screen, and there are some that fail miserably. Stardust doesn't really do either. If you're in the mood for whimsical adventure that gets overly cheesy while following witches, pirates and magical objects, this may be your movie. Sure, that all sounds great, but it doesn't translate quite as well. The high moments, like Robert De Niro's happy pirate, or Sienna Miller's too-briefly-shown frumpiness, are often lost in the long, drawn-out cross-country adventure treks and epic battle scenes. They reminded me of Lancelot running repeatedly up and over the hill in Monty Python's Holy Grail, except Stardust was taking itself seriously. Danes tries too hard to capture the otherworldly essence of a star and she's outshone by the rest of the cast.

IMDB: Stardust

  • OVERALL: 84
  • VISUAL: 88
  • STORY: 81
  • ACTING: 83
  • BETTER THAN: The Ice Pirates
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: The Neverending Story
  • WAS MISSING: Mr. Brady telling a tale about tall tales you should tell.
  • SEE IT FOR: The "Gandalf" narration and Ricky Gervais describing his art of the deal.

Baxter

There is nothing more heartwarming than the tale of a boy and his dog. Well, except for a tale of an angry French boy and his mentally and morally tortured dog. He's rather cute though, the pup, and he thinks in the greatest French accent. Seriously. It's almost like the time my dog went through years of pain of seizures, then died of epilepsy... oh wait, that's right... this actually isn't that heartwarming of a movie. It's disturbing, really, though I know some of you are into that kind of thing. It has some brilliant moments of animal dependency and pets' needs and expectations, but that does not outweigh the brutality of man, so this movie is not for the casual audience.

  • OVERALL: 79
  • VISUAL: 80
  • STORY: 93
  • ACTING: 64
  • BETTER THAN: The Cat from Outer Space
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: Babe
  • WAS MISSING: Belly rubs
  • SEE IT FOR: One of the cutest, ugliest dogs on film, running so fast with his lil' legs to keep up

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Abandoned

I loaned this movie to a friend before I had the chance to see it. The following week when he returns it, he tells my wife and I that it's a "weird independant film about two girls in France who get lost or something and try to find each other... oh, and there's a LOT of music." I ask him, "Oh, the horror movie? about the creepy abandoned woman?" He assures me it is not a horror or thriller movie, but some weird, foreign adaptation of Little Women but without audible dialogue.

I'm very confused at this point because I was certain it was supposed to be creepy and I knew it even had pictures of a woman with no pupils in her eyes on every DVD menu. Needless to say, I now wanted to watch the movie more than ever. Surely, something was lost in translation. It turns out that the movie was definitely a horror flick about a woman who returns to her roots only to be trapped in a cyclical Hell of past demons and morbid family secrets. If you're looking for cyclical Hell, and I mean, who isn't?, you'd be much better off renting What About Bob? or In the Mouth of Madness.

I did notice, however, that the first 10 minutes of the movie played an eerie soundtrack while it rolled the opening credits, and it turns out my friend gave up on the movie before even getting 15 minutes into it. His commentary about the lack of speaking and the abundance of music stemmed from a car drive down a desolate road while Russian lettering announced the film's actors and producers.


The movie far exceeded my expectations but still turned out to be nothing more than your above average boogey man bloodfest. I went in thinking I'd see a carefree tale of innocent youth traipsing through the French countryside to discover themselves, but I was left with pot-bellied pigs threatening to eat babies and zombies crawling out of lakes. Sounds like a good trade off, but I was disappointed.
  • OVERALL: 79
  • VISUAL: 84
  • STORY: 79
  • ACTING: 73
  • BETTER THAN: Dead Silence
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: Frozen
  • WAS MISSING: John Lithgow screaming "The cat's in the bag, and the bag's in the river!"
  • SEE IT FOR: Confirming the zombie guy looks exactly like the Pet Cemetary jogger

Sunday, August 19, 2007

TMNT

"In a half shell, they're the heroes four, in this day and age who could ask for more?... T-U-R-T-L-E Power." If you got that reference, you are in for one heck of a movie. TMNT, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if you've been living in the sewers the past 20 years, is brilliant candy for the eye, heart and mind. I went in with low expectations and was hoping for a fun action flick with a hint of nostalgia. The first 10 minutes of the film throws you a curve ball, as the TMNT aren't even a team. It answers the question of what these trans mutated fighting turtles would be doing if they weren't crime fighting... if they just had to live daily lives like the rest of us. The plot line was sophisticated enough to hold my interest throughout, but I think even the youngest fans will keep up with the storyline well enough to get it. You get really deep insight into the minds of Leonardo and Raphael, which interesting and action-packed enough to forgive the shortcomings on the other characters. The turtle vs. turtle arc is brilliantly executed and will satisfy both the fanboy and the average viewer. Some liberties are taken when it comes to pivotal characters, but it seems to capture the lighthearted fun of the cartoon series, the brotherly love of the live-action movie, and the gritty action of the Eastman and Laird comic book that started it all. I was amazed how well the stylistic animation and tear-inducing inspirational moments all blended together. I thought it missed the mark with the voice-casting of Splinter, their rat-turned-mentor, but the teasers they drop for a sequel and the return of their nemesis the Shredder made up for it.

The music was above average and fit the mood of the upbeat action swings, and it makes you chuckle a bit to think that Limp Bizkit got some work for it. (Limp Bizkit? Really??) Even though their original "Shell Shock" song mentions Bebop, Rocksteady and other turtle mainstays, it falls miserably short of the original live-action movie's "Turtle Power" theme song.

"Do YOU stand for what you believe in? And find the strength to do what's right?"
Turtle Power ;)
  • OVERALL: 92
  • VISUAL: 90
  • STORY: 96
  • ACTING: 91
  • BETTER THAN: The Invincible Iron Man
  • NOT AS GOOD AS: Spirited Away
  • WAS MISSING: "Cowabunga" and a better theme song
  • SEE IT FOR: Sibling rivalry & Donatello, customer service rep

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Last Mimzy

I thought I would stay on the theme of movies with "Last" in the title. Wow... was that ever a mistake. I knew very little about this movie going into it, but expected some sort of fantastical family or kid-friendly film about magic and, supposedly, a talking bunny. The doll reminded me a lot of one my friends' kid has, so I already had a special connection to it. A lot had to go wrong to disappoint me because I'm great at suspending belief and enjoying this genre of movies.

However, it was just plain awful. It was based on a short story, and I'm guessing it was a much better read. It had some interesting overall plot points and ideas, but they were executed horribly. I kept wondering what the intended target audience was for this film. Papa Bear would be bored to tears by the lack of action or anything resembling coherent plot. Mama Bear would disconnect herself due to the unbelievably bad acting of the two main child stars (and yes, she'd give them the benefit of the doubt for being kids). Baby Bear wouldn't make it through the first 30 minutes. The story isn't told enough to capture a kid's attention, and there is nothing fantastical enough to inspire their imagination. There's potential for it, but it completely falls short. There are small bursts of averagely-amusing special effects, especially at the end, but it's way too late by that point. I liked Timothy Hutton at times, but Michael Clarke Duncan further adds to the "joke" nature of this film. Rainn Wilson does his best, but not even "Dwight Schrute" can save this movie.

Don't even get me started on the bunny rabbit doll. The first time you see it, you anticipate a warm character with the charm of Gizmo from the Gremlins movies. Instead, you get Charlie Brown's teacher on helium staring creepily at you over shoulders and through intrusive zoom shots. I may actually have nightmares.

I sadly recommend this to nobody. It'd more accurately be titled: The Lost Whimsy.